Deep Hucks by Jack Handey...

"I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.""For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?"

"When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in hid cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear."

"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you'e a mile away and you have their shoes."

"One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. 'Oh, no,' I said, 'Disneyland must have burned down.' He cried and cried but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive him over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late."